I£ KAN-UK 



PHEKUTfc/ 




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Class __l]jLjyL_ 
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Coi)yrig!itN»_3fr^ 

CDPMRIGHT DEPOSrr 



The Chronicle of 
Kan-Uk the Kute 

Being a copy of a scroll inscribed by him, 

what time he did travel in his Caravan 

throughout the land of Kan-a-Da and 

of Am-er-Eka in the days of the 

Great War, and now given to 

the world by its finder 



Frank Burne Black 



^ 



G. P. Putnam's Sons 

New York and London 

^be "ftnicfterbocfter ipress 

1918 



1\^ 






Copyright, 1918 

BY 

G P. PUTNAM'S SONS 



^'^^~*.f9l8 



Ube ftnicfterbocfter ptcse, "ftcw |?orfc 



(Q)CU506430 



DEDICATION 

Now a dedication is that portion of a scroll 
wherein the scribe doth usually demean 
himself and grovel in the dust; saying To 
So-So, whose sandals of the high heel I am 
unworthy to fasten. Or to He-Hi-Hum who, 
shall he deign to cast but the one look, and 
that even at the wrapping of this my miser- 
able scroll, will thereby fill me with the 
delights of the Blessed. Or yet again, to 
Hokus-Pokus who knoweth more about the 
subject upon which I do write, than I could 
ever learn; aye though I did live until my 
years were as those of the Croc-0-Dile. 

Yet I, even Kan-Uk the Kute, favour not 
these sayings. 

For behold I write not up to any man as to 
a patron, nor down to any man as to a slave. 

But do I dedicate this my chronicle to my 
brothers ; yea to those sons of Kan-a-Da and 
of Am-er-Eka who love life ; and are fond of 
mirth. In whose veins is red blood and not 
water; and who have got them up like men, 
and journeyed forth, and after many days 
have arrived at that place where men do live 
in holes in the ground that they might thereby 

lii 



iv Dedication 

swat the Amalekites which are at this day 
called Huns. 

Where the arrow fiieth by day, also the 
Eero-Plane; and the trench rat, and the 
brown bug, biteth by night ; and from which 
their souls ever cry out for deliverance, even 
for trips to Blighty. 

To ye, my brothers, I dedicate this Chron- 
icle of the things which I see of men. For ye 
is it inscribed; and later, when many copies 
shall be made from this mine own scroll, they 
shall be sent amongst ye, and ye shall read 
my words what time the candle doth burn, 
and the Canned-Horse shall be served out. 

And after ye have read, I beseech ye do this 
thing : 

If it be that my words find favour in your 
sight, pledge me, I pray ye, in that which 
warmeth the inner man ; or f aihng that, in the 
brew of the herb of the field, even Tea. 

And having done this thing, get ye up, 
every one of ye, and swat for me one Hun. 

Thus shall it be proved that verily the 
Stylus shall prick even as the sword; and 
thereby shall the heart of the Scribe be 
gladdened ; even the heart of 

Kan-Uk the Kute. 



BOOK I 

Concerning Will- Yum of the Huns and sundry matters 
which did occur before the war. 

Also how the war did arise; and why it is good that this 
Chronicle should be writ. 



CHAPTER I 

1. To the men of Kan-a-Da and of Am-er- 
Eka and to the young men and the maidens. 
To they whose countenances are bright, and 
still more so to those who are of the doleful 
aspect, and sour, and as the grape before it 
reddeneth. Greetings and Peace. 

2. This is the Chronicle of Kan-Uk the 
Kute concerning what manner of things did 
come to pass in the land, what time the 
mighty nations warred together. 

3. For whereas this is a perverse and un- 
truthful generation, behold it is wise that this 
Chronicle shall be written of the things which 
truly be; lest it shall come to pass that in 
after years men shall draw unto themselves 
their sons, and their sons' sons, and shall say: 

4. Yea in those days this thing did 
happen; or: It is said this thing did befal; 
and, Some men believed this mystery came to 
pass ; all of which shall be out of accord with 
the doings which did really befal; even the 
Untruth. 



4 The Chronicle of 

5. So that the young men might rise up 
and say : How now grey beard ! What is this 
that thou tellest us ? Thinkest thou, that we 
are Hke unto the flocks of the field, even the 
Baa-Lamb with no understanding; or Hken- 
est thou us to the Goat, even the He-Goat 
which is surprising thick about the skull? 

6. Out upon thy tales of this great war; 
for we say unto thee thy words are as the 
ramblings of one whose brain hath become of 
a watery consistency ; yea who is approaching 
the Dip-Pee; and whose holdings forth are 
v/hat men do call Pif-Fle. 

7. For lo: I have beholden aforetimes, 
that if in his youth a man by m.uch brain 
sweat, and the wrapping of the head in the 
cooling bandage, even the Wet-Tow-El shall 
have handled some simple problem in such 
wise that he who did examine the figures did 
say : Go to ! Get thee to the next form. Not 
that thou hast come anywhere near unto the 
right answer, but because thou hast surely 
done thy best, poor though it be. 

8. When I say, in due course, that man 
doth speak unto his son in the after years, 
he forgetteth him that which was truly said 
unto him, and doth say unto his son words 
like unto these : 



Kan-Uk the Kute 5 

9. My son, I perceive that out of six of 
the problems which were put before thee, 
thou wast able to solve but five. Be diligent ; 
be alert; Remember whose son thou art. 
Make thy talents so seen of thy teachers that 
they shall say: Truly we did marvel at his 
exceeding great cleverness; but now is this 
thing made simple unto us, for behold he is 
the son of So-and-So ! 

10. And yet again have I observed that if 
a man shall catch a fish of a surprising big- 
ness, next day he doth say unto his friend: 
Lo I did put it upon the scale and found it 
not wanting. Nay I tell thee, it did score 
full two pounds and a fifth. 

11. But upon the third day, he meeteth 
another friend, and he doth say unto him: 
Heareth thou of the fish which by my prowess 
I did bring to land ? I say unto thee that it 
was of a weight not quite equal to the four 
pounds; and of a surprising fatness. 

12. And again upon the fourth day, being 
called by one who had knowledge of him and 
who asked : Tell me I pray thee is this thing 
true which men do say, that as thou didst cast 
thy line into the lake upon a certain day thou 
didst take a mighty fish, the weight whereof 
was nigh on to six pounds, or was it seven? 



6 The Chronicle of 

13. He answer eth and said: As thou 
knowest, I am a disciple of I-Zak from my 
youth upwards; and never before did I see 
such a fish. Likewise am I a true disciple of 
I-Zak in that I ever do behttle that which I 
do catch. Therefore would I say no word 
which would be beside the mark; but this I 
tell unto thee in secret ; I have no faith in the 
balance they did bring unto me, and knowing 
not for a certainty the weight of that fish, 
no man shall hear me say that it did scale 
more than the six pounds thou didst first 
mention. 

14. And having observed these things of 
men, Lo I say unto you that such do happen 
because this is a perverse and a short-minded 
generation in which men do forget the things 
as they are, and do see them afterwards in 
a different manner. 

15. Therefore ye men of Kan-a-Da and 
of Am-er-Eka it is good in my sight that to 
avoid such evils in the days to come, there 
shall be made in this my day even the day 
of the Great War, a Chronicle of the things 
which have been, and also which are. 

16. And of this Chronicle there shall be 
made many copies; and they shall be sent 
hither and thither and to and fro throughout 



Kan-Uk the Kute 7 

the land. Nay there shall be no abiding 
place which shall not have access to a copy. 

17. From Vik-To-Rea in the West to all 
that now remaineth of Hal-ee-Faks in the 
East and in Win-E-Peg and Tor-on-Tum and 
in the cities of Kee-Bec in Kan-a-Da; and 
in Neark and Buf-Lo and Frees-Ko and 
Schkaa-Go and throughout all the land of 
Am-er-Eka. 

18. And men shall possess this Chronicle, 
and shall read them in it, and shall send it 
to those who are still at the war, or in the far 
country ; and shall hand it down to their sons, 
and their sons' sons, even with the papers 
which are called In- Shore- Ans. 

19. And this writing shall be called The 
Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute even because 
I Kan-Uk shall write it. 

20. And concerning the form of this 
Chronicle, behold it shall not be of the kind 
whereof men do read but for a little time, and 
there is heard a gurgling in the wind-pipe, 
and a complaining of the nostrils, and the 
head doth drop forward and the eyes do 
close. 

21. For inasmuch as it is good that we 
should acquit us like men in all adversity, 
and since not one of us is responsible for the 



8 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

bringing about of these doings, neither he who 
sitteth in the seat of the mighty even the 
Coun-Sil, nor he who standeth upon the floor 
of the Temple of Palaverment, nor he who 
hath little wherewithal to either stand or sit 
upon, save only that which Nature hath 
provided. 

22. Therefore I Kan-Uk the Kute do 
write unto you and say: Let there be the 
sound of laughter in the land. What profit- 
eth it ye, if your countenance be such as to 
cause a curdling in the blue abomination 
which only the dealers do call milk? 

23. Look not so that men seeing ye shall 
say: Lo my heart goeth out in pity towards 
him, for well do I know his affliction and the 
keenness thereof, even a mother-in-law. 

24. But be ye of a pleasant countenance; 
looking ever upon the bright side even of the 
things that are in this day, and in the time of 
this great war. 

25. For remember it is written: He that 
hath nerve shall not have nerves. Care 
killeth that which hath nine lives, even a cat; 
but the pants of he that smileth much, shall 
need to be let out at the waist. 



CHAPTER II 

1. Upon a day there was a great meeting 
in Hell. 

2. And Satan did summon his trusty Loo- 
Ten-Ants and did say: How now, go things 
upon the main Planet in the first group, even 
upon Erth ? 

3. And the first Loo-Ten-Ant did say: 
Of a truth am I just back from going up and 
down, and to and fro therein; and verily 
matters are dam quiet. 

4. Thereupon Satan did say: Time was 
when matters were otherwise; even in the 
days of our beloved associate At-Tilla. 

5. And the Loo-Ten-Ants with one voice 
replied : Thou sayest it. Oh that there could 
arise another like unto him. 

6. So Satan did say : Hearken ye unto me. 
I have it in my heart to raise up another such. 
Nay one who shall be still greater. Him will 
I nourish and fatten; and in due time will I 
turn his hand against all mankind so that 

9 



lo The Chronicle of 

men shall say as of old there is still the Devil 
to pay. 

7. And the Loo-Ten- Ants did marvel 
together saying : Can this thing come to pass ? 

8. But while they spake, Satan did uncork 
sundry vials. And he did take of the Essence 
of the Ape three drops, and of the Essence of 
the Ass four drops, and of the Essence of the 
Pig a goodly number of drops which he did not 
trouble to count, and he did put them into a 
measure. 

9. Then did he ask: See ye what herein 
have we? 

10. And the Loo-Ten-Ants did say: And 
it please thee Majesty, it seemeth to us that 
thou hast there the making of a Germ-Hun. 

11. Thereupon did Satan add to the 
measure of Essence of Serpent five drops, and 
did again ask: What have we here? 

12. And the Loo-Ten- Ants replied : Verily 
thou boldest the formula for an exceeding 
virulent type of Germ-Hun, even the Prush- 
En. 

13. And again Satan did take up the 
measure and did add unto it six drops from a 
vial marked Essence of Tiger, and ten drops 
of a red liquid styled Spirit of Nero, and did 
again ask, What have we herein? 



Kan-Uk the Kute ii 

14. And the Loo-Ten-Ants with one ac- 
cord did shake their heads in fear, so that 
their horns did rattle and did reply: Verily 
we give it up. But whatever it be of the 
which thou holdest there the makings, we 
counsel thee loosen it not in Hell ; for behold 
if thou shouldest do so, the confines of this 
place are too small to hold it ; and henceforth 
thy name shall be no longer Chief, but Pren- 
tiss. 

15. And Satan handed the measure to the 
first Loo-Ten-Ant and did say: Far be it 
from me to loosen this thing upon ye here. 
Get thee up. Take thou this measure to 
Erth, even to Yur-Rup; and spill it in some 
place, and where it falleth, lo it shall raise up 
one whose deeds shall be such that men shall 
never speak of that place but they shall say 
Dam. 

16. And the Loo-Ten-Ant did as he was 
commanded, even to the going to Yur-Rup 
and to the spilling of the liquid. 

17. And the place at which he spilled that 
liquid is known as Pots-Dam to this day. 



CHAPTER III 

1. Now it came to pass that in the great 
house of the mighty Hun, even the Palace, 
there was born a man child. 

2. And when the news went forth in the 
land, there was much rejoicing. And the 
Queen his grandmother, even our own Vic- 
to-Ria whose memory is blessed amongst men 
did send messages asking: Is it a fine boy? 
And they of the Palace did reply : Yea it is a 
fine boy. 

3. And his name was Will- Yum. 

4. And he did live in the great house at 
Pots-Dam and did wax fat and lusty, even as 
it had been ordained ; so that it did seem as if 
he was like unto the children of men. 

5. But the elixir from the measure, even 
the measure of Satan, did do its work; and 
his left arm was withered. And where his 
heart should have been there was a stone; 
and where his conscience should have dwelled, 
there was nothing at all. 

12 



Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 13 

6. And behold while he was but a child, 
that did come to pass which did show what 
manner of man he was to be. 

7. For the word was sent forth that 
the Ministers, and Princes, and Counsellors, 
from all parts of the kingdom should get 
them up upon a day and pay their respects 
to this their future ruler; even to the child 
Will-Yum. 

8. And what time they looked upon the 
child it came to pass that one of the Counsel- 
lors did dangle before him a cunning machine 
so devised that to look thereon was to know 
the hour of the day and that without consult- 
ing the sun; and which machine could also 
speak two words, even Tick-Tack. 

9. And behold no sooner did the child 
Will-Yum see this marvellous machine, and 
did hear its voice say Tick-Tack, than 
straightway did he grab it, and would not 
again deliver it up. 

10. Seeing the which, his father and those 
that were with him rejoiced exceedingly, and 
made them merry saying: See now how 
he already knoweth to take advantage of 
Time; and also: Behold that which Will- 
Yum wanteth, he taketh; and that without 
any bones. 



14 The Chronicle of 

11. But as for the Counsellor, though he 
did compel his face to smile, his heart was 
heavy within him; seeing that he had bor- 
rowed the cunning machine for that day only, 
and from one Ja-Kob whose sign ever hangs 
over his tent even the three balls ; and to him 
did he have to render up in lieu of the machine 
many shekels. 

12. Also was there an occasion whereupon 
the boy Will-Yimi was very sick; so that his 
mother was sore troubled: and she did sum- 
mon from a far country a learned physician 
and scholarly. 

13. But the boy Will- Yum would have 
none of him, and did call him evil names and 
that to his face. Yet did the physician mix 
him a certain potion and the distemper did 
leave him. 

14. And when that physician returned to 
his own land they with whom he did foregather 
to study the distempers to which the body is 
subject, did question him concerning what 
manner of sickness it was which had laid hold 
of the boy Will-Yum. 

15. To which the wise man replied: Lo 
he hath three mighty swelHngs. He hath 
a swelling of the throat even the Ton-Sils, 
and that I can cure. He hath also a swelling 



Kan-Uk the Kute 15 

of the glands, but as ye know that is to me 
but a little thing. 

16. But he hath also, and this last is the 
greatest, a mighty swelling of the head; and 
that neither I nor any other man shall ever 
cure. 

17. And it was so. 



CHAPTER IV 

1. Now in the fulness of time the father 
of Will- Yum did die ; and Will- Yum was made 
King in the land. 

2. And he called together his captains and 
his governors and his armies and did make 
unto them a great speech saying: 

3. Behold now this day I even Will- Yum 
am put over ye ; this day and for ever. Know 
ye henceforth that there be but two Rulers 
under heaven Me and God ; and as I am a man 
of no peradventure, of the two of us, I counsel 
ye to put your trust in me. 

4. From this day also, there is but one 
law; which is my law; even as I shall lay it 
down to ye. There is but one Sun and I am 
It. 

5. From this day, those things are, which 
I do say; and likewise a thing is not so, if I 
do say it is not. Bow ye down therefore and 
worship me as I do deserve. 

6. Whereat some of the rulers who did 

16 



Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 17 

hear him, did afterwards gather together 
in secret and did wonder at his words saying : 
Verily is he a marvel ; and for humility, where 
shall we find his like? Others did say He 
hath a Devil even the Devil called of men 
Swel-Ded. 

7. But nevertheless the people, and the 
rulers, and the captains, did obey his word 
lest evil should befal them. 

8. So that Will- Yum did put his yoke 
upon them and did sit their shoulders to his 
full bent; making it a law that all that was 
done of the people should be by order; and 
nothing should be done otherwise that was 
done, and not one thing unless he should per- 
mit it. 

9. Inasmuch that if a certain man did 
dwell upon the north side of the way, and did 
desire to take him a tent on the south side 
thereof, he could not move him, nor his goods, 
nor his chattels, without first getting him up 
to the authorities even the Per-Leece and 
saying : Grant me I pray ye a licence to move 
my tent to the other side even the south side 
of the way. 

10. Whereupon the chief man, and he who 
had authority would say: Verily thou shalt 
move thy tent even as thou desirest ; but only 



1 8 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

if thou hast wit enough to solve me this wise 
saying; for knowest thou that all who do 
dwell upon the south side are passing wise. 

11. And the saying which thou must solve 
is this: He only goeth across who cometh 
across: and in the stating thereof, the head 
man did wink the other eye. 

12. And lo a paradox did arise; for those 
only went across who were able to come across. 
And some came across who were not after- 
wards allowed to go across; the reason thereof 
being that they did not come across with a 
sufficiency which was sufficient. 

13. For the head man of the Per-Leece 
was mighty of stature ; and his palm was of an 
exceeding bigness. Also the pocket of his 
tunic was deep. 



CHAPTER V 

1. Now when Will- Yum saw that the 
people were willing to carry his yoke, his gall 
increased mightily ; and no longer would last 
year's hat go nigh his head. 

2. And he did hold counsel with himself 
in secret saying: Now behold do all men 
regard me as a mighty man of valour; for I 
am known to the uttermost corners of the 
earth as the one and only Mailed Fist. 

3. Yet methinks that some men in their 
hearts do say: Lo he is but a Fist. A man 
who prateth of shining armour. As to his 
brain it is no more than the brain of him who 
doth belabour the squad which is called Awk- 
Wad even the Drill Sar-Gent. 

4. And so thinking in his heart, Will- Yum 
did make a covenant with himself saying: 
Now will I give me to the great things of life; 
even to Kul-Tur, and to the making of great 
pictures, and of pleasing sounds, and of great 
words which are as music to the ear of man. 

19 



20 The Chronicle of 

5. So he got him many colours and did 
paint him a picture and did place it up where 
it could be seen of men; and he called to- 
gether those who were greatest in the land 
at the bespattering of the canvas and the 
mixing of the paints. 

6. And he said unto them: Look ye: and 
do your hearts good at the sight. Far be it 
from me to give an opinion of that which 
mine own hands have wrought; but as wise 
men, valuing your lives and your positions 
within these my realms, tell me truly and as 
ye think, can ye do anything which shall have 
the same merit ? 

7. And he who was greatest in all the land 
at the making of the picture did look upon the 
work which Will- Yum had perpetrated and 
did draw in his breath tight, and did say: 
All Highest. I painted when I was young, 
and now that I am old is my name known 
throughout the land; and this I say of this 
thy picture: Verily it taketh the breath. 
Never before did I see anything like unto it. 
Assurest thou me that thou didst this alone, 
and that without help ? 

8. And Will- Yum did smile a great smile, 
and say : Thou hast said it. None other hand 
but mine did touch the canvas. Now from 



Kan-Uk the Kute 21 

thy words do I know that thou art in truth 
the greatest critic in all the land. Take 
now this Order even the Order of the Lym- 
Brush. 

9. And he who' was the second greatest at 
the art did come forward and did take but the 
one look at the picture which Will- Yum had 
set up, when the tears did start to run from 
his eyes, and he did say: 

10. Oh Emperor. This thing that thou 
hast done doth overcome me wholly. Ask me 
not to make a great saying of words; for in 
the presence of this thy work, my feelings, 
unable to get them out by any other way, do 
gush out at mine eyes ; and only because they 
do thus escape me, am I saved from a great 
evil even the evil of sudden death. 

11. This will I say however, that never 
before have mine eyes looked upon a painting 
which did create within me the same impres- 
sion. 

12. And seeing his tears, Will- Yum did 
call for his nose cloth, and did sob with a great 
sob; saying: What praise is like unto the 
praise of the tear? By these same tears do I 
know thee to be a great man of knowledge; 
but praise me not too highly; for I do these 
great things which ye do only after years of 



22 The Chronicle of 

training, with an ease unspeakable; but only 
by the help of God. 

13. Yea, said the great man of Art, Now 
doth thou speak that which is of the very 
essence of truth; and will I say that the very 
words which did arise to my lips when mine 
eyes did first fall upon this thy work, were: 
God help me. 

14. And Will- Yum said unto him: Now 
do I know thee also for a great man and 
worthy. Take thou this Order even the 
Order of the Chinese White. 

15. And he who was the third greatest at 
the Art did now draw nigh and did look upon 
the picture. 

16. Then did he open his lips saying: All 
Hail Highest Emperor. Great indeed is this 
thy work. Nay I know not which giveth to 
me the greatest delight, Whether it be to 
look upon the mighty rock which thou hast 
depicted upon the left, or to feast mine eyes 
upon the glorious ocean which thou hast 
painted there upon the right. 

17. But behold no sooner had he uttered 
these words, than Will- Yum did wax exceed- 
ing wrath; and did cry out with a loud voice 
so that all who heard him did tremble: 

18. Dolt and Dunderhead that thou art. 



Kan-Uk the Kute 23 

Since how long hast thou been stricken with 
bHndness ? That which thou callest a mighty 
rock, as any man but thee can see, is myself 
Will- Yum upon mine horse; and as for thy 
prating about an ocean, art thou in thy dotage 
that thou knowest not the difference between 
an ocean, and a stretch of meadow such as I 
have there painted ? 

19. Get thee from my presence; and from 
this day shalt thy name be no more known 
amongst those who do use the brush. 

20. And it was so. 

21. Now it came to pass that the other 
two great men who had been called to give 
judgment upon the picture, did afterwards 
foregather in a foreign city; and he who was 
the greater did say unto the other: 

22. Tell me I pray thee, what meant 
thou when thou didst say that the abomina- 
tion did create within thee The Impression? 

23. And he replied: Lo, I did mean the 
impression that it was intended for a picture. 
But tell me what thou didst mean when thou 
didst say that never before had thou seen 
an3rthing like unto it ? 

24. And he replied: Verily I meant that 
which I did say: Never had I seen its like. 
Also I pray heaven I may never again do so. 



24 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

25. And the two great men at the Art did 
put them each his tongue into his cheek; 
and they did drink their lager. 

26. As for Will- Yum he did turn his hand 
to other things; today making the Mu-Zik 
and tomorrow the Po-e-Try and calling 
upon the learned men to express wonderment 
thereat; or otherwise to be grievously be- 
swatted. 

27. So that most men who were wise and 
not only learned, did look at his works, and 
to his face did express great wonderment. 
After which they quickly got them out and 
took the air. 



CHAPTER VI 

1. Now the father of Will- Yum had two 
wise men to whose words he did ever pay heed. 

2. One of these was By-His-Mark so 
called because no treaty might be made with 
any nation, nor no order of the King be given 
out without his consent. 

3. The other wise man was named Molk 
and he was a great man of war, and cunning ; 
for he had spent his days in the solving of the 
mighty mystery how two warriors might be 
so placed that they might work the destruc- 
tion of four. 

4. But when Will-Yum was come to the 
throne, he did find these Counsellors irk- 
some. 

5. By-His-Mark had upon a day seen the 
claws of a mighty Bear and did know that 
they can scratch with a mighty and a fierce 
scratchiness. 

6. When therefore Will-Yum did write 
upon his slate: The Bear hath no claws, 

25 



26 The Chronicle of 

By-His-Mark did rub out the word No and 
thereat Will-Yiim was wrath. 

7. And Molk did say : The most dangerous 
part of the fire tube, even the Kan-Non is 
the mouth thereof; but to this Will- Yum re- 
plied : 

8. Thou liest; for every man doth know 
that the powder of the magician is put in at 
the other end ; therefore is that end the most 
dangerous. 

9. So Will-Yum dismissed these wise men 
saying: Out with ye and away. Verily were 
ye useful to lighten the footpath of he who did 
come before me; but when I the Sun am up, 
there is no need for the candles to be kept 
burning. 

• 10. Now when these wise men were gone, 
there arose a multitude of false prophets and 
soothsayers who did speak and write only 
that which they knew would sound sweet in 
the ears of Will-Yum. 

1 1 . And these men were of the generation 
of Honken and Mum-Sen and Zy-Bell and of 
one whose name no man can utter save only 
when he shall have a cold in the head ; for his 
name is like unto a sneeze; and behold he it 
was who was the greatest of all sneezes. 

12. And this was the burden of their 



Kan-Uk the Kute 27 

soothsayings ; even the words which Will- Yum 
did drink in. 

13. Behold now, said they, Art thou not 
Will- Yum? And he said Yaw. 

14. And is there any like unto thee for 
wisdom and learning, and the Arts of Po-e- 
Try and Painting, and for Kul-Tur? 

15. And Will- Yum replied: Ye say there 
is not, and verily will I deal hardly with any 
who shall contradict ye. 

16. And they did ask: Is it not true that 
God did know well of thy greatness and did 
because thereof give thee but the one arm, 
knowing well that with the one arm couldst 
thou do all that other men do with the 
two? 

17. And Will-Yum replied : Far be it from 
me to boast ; for what I do, I do all by the 
glory of God; but this much will I say that 
God hath in me a wonderful shining adver- 
tisement. 

18. And again they said: Art thou not a 
man of a hard composition, and one never 
before heard of, even of blood and iron ? 

19. And he said: I am; Also a mailed Fist 
and, do not forget it, Shining armour. 

20. Yea, they replied, and is not thy 
breast filled with such things as Will-to- 



28 The Chronicle of 

Power, and thy fingers with Itch-to-Grab, 
and thy pockets with Wish-for-More ? 

21. And once again Will- Yum said: Yaw. 
Yaw. 

22. Then, said they, Look thou abroad. 
Behold the land of the Huns, which thou 
rulest over, is but a little spot upon the earth. 
Seest thou not Am-er-Eka, and Kan-a-Da 
and Aus-Ter-Allia? Of a truth every year 
what time we do get out for thee the big 
figures, even the nimaber of men thou dost 
have within thy realms, we do find that many 
have gotten them to these places; and not 
only so, but do they send epistles to those 
who stay behind, saying: 

23. Come ye over here; for here is much 
gold. Much sausage also is here, and Lager, 
and the Drill Sar-Gent, behold he is unknown 
in the land. 

24. And Will- Yum said: Is it so? And 
Hum. Likewise Ho-Ho. 

25. And they continued saying: Behold 
also this Bri-Ton; how she vaunteth herself 
saying: Lo the Sun doth never set upon our 
lands; and of the whole Earth do we own a 
fifth part. 

26. Peradventure the men of these other 
lands may even forget that thou Will-Yum 



Kan-Uk the Kute 29 

art high above them, aye even may they for- 
get thy very name. 

2*]. So that it may come to pass that one 
shall say unto another: Rememberest thou 
ever to have heard amongst the rulers of the 
world of one Will- Yum? And he of whom 
it is asked will reply: Yea have I. He was 
called Will-Yum the Corn-Curer. 

2%. Thereupon he who first spoke shall 
say: I mean me not that Will-Yum for truly 
he is well known; but of another Will-Yum 
who ever boasted that he had a club foot; 
or was it a Mailed Fist? 

29. And he of whom it was asked, shall 
shake his head, and thinking lightly of the 
matter shall reply: Verily there aint no such 
animal. 

30. Now as Will-Yum did hearken unto 
this, and did think that in any land his name 
might be forgotten, and that his Mailed Fist 
might even be made as unto a joke, he did 
wax exceeding wrath and did say : 

31. Away with ye, every man unto his 
place and I will give thought to these things 
and will consider me what shall be done. 
Nevertheless the words did sink into him; 
and after many days he did make a plan say- 
ing within him : 



30 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

32. I am the light of the world. Evil be 
to me if I do not lighten the dark nations. 
Yea will I bring it to pass that my Kul-Tur 
shall be taken to all comers of the earth : also 
will I possess them. 

33. Great is my Kul-Tur as all who have 
Hunnish eyes can see; and peradventure if 
there be any stiff-necked race which will not 
see its greatness, them will I fall upon in my 
mercy, and destroy them ere their blindness 
do trouble them too sorely. 

34. And as for those nations who shall be 
lukewarm about this my Kul-Tur, as a man 
who is smitten between the eyes even upon 
the Bo-Ko doth see many stars, so those I 
do hit with my mailed fist shall quickly see 
daylight. 

35. I Will-Yum do say it. 



CHAPTER VII 

1. Now when Will- Yum had given much 
thought to these things, he did call unto him 
again his rulers, and his counsellors, and his 
captains, and did say unto them: 

2. Great am I as ye know; and yet greater 
than ye think ; but behold today am I greater 
than I ever was before; for God has given 
unto me a great work. 

3. Since the world did begin lo it was his 
will that Kul-Tur should reign in all parts of 
the earth; but hitherto he has fallen short of 
bringing about his desire. 

4. But behold now I have arisen, even I 
Will- Yum, and in partnership with God I will 
see that this thing is properly carried through. 
Prepare ye therefore, and in manner as I do 
say. 

5. Ye shall send out your professors to 
Am-er-Eka, and to Kan-a-Da and to the land 
of Aus-Ter-Allia, and to Bri-Ton and to all 
the nations which shall be out of stock in 
that line of goods. 

31 



32 The Chronicle of 

6. By day shall your professors do their 
professing; but by night shall they spy out 
the land. 

7. Ye shall send out also bands even with 
the Mu-Zik. By day shall they sound the 
timbrel and play upon the instruments of 
brass. Yea also shall they give instruction. 
With their left hand shall they write the 
signs of Mu-Zik; but with their right hand 
shall they make plans of the strong places. 

8. Ye shall send out also your young men, 
they of the black coats and the shirt garment 
which is as snow, and who carry ever upon 
the arm the sign of their calHng, even the 
Nap-Kin. 

9. And these shall get them to the places 
where the knowing ones, and they who are in 
authority do eat. 

10. What time they do let fall the dishes 
and slop the soup, they shall open their ears; 
and that which they hear, shall they note 
down even upon the stiffness of linen called 
Kuff ; and they shall bring it away. 

11. And like the Israelites of old with the 
Egyptians, they shall despoil the men of Am- 
er-Eka and of Kan-a-Da and of Bri-Ton and 
of all the nations to whom they are sent; for 
while with the ear shall they rob them of their 



Kan-Uk the Kute 33 

secrets, with the hand shall they despoil them 
of the shekel which is called Tip. 

12. And let also your young women go 
out unto the households and learn of that 
which is done in the land, even the Se-Kret, 
and write it unto us. 

13. And to the men in high places ye shall 
send the maidens whose cheeks are fair, and 
who worship the essence Per-ox-Ide that they 
shall be much desired of men, even as Samson 
did desire Delilah; and they shall thereby 
gather up the things we would know and shall 
send them. 

14. So that when the time is ripe shall we 
know where to strike. 

15. And to the makers of weapons of war- 
fare did he say: Get ye busy. And to the 
builders of vessels of war he said: Let not 
your labour cease with the going down of 
the Sun but work ye even in the two shifts. 

16. But hear me in this, That in all these 
things ye act with secrecy; and if any man 
should ask ye how, and why, ye do work thus 
hard, then shall ye say: These things do we 
to preserve the quiet which we love: even 
Peace. 

17. And to the soldiers and the captains 
of war, Will-Yum did say : Ye are the salt of 



34 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

the earth; and with ye will I salt the earth, 
and that good and thorough when the time 
cometh ; but it is not yet. 

1 8. But behold a sign will I give unto ye 
that ye may know my purpose, and it is in 
these words which being interpreted do mean 
World Power or Bust ; And ye must not Bust. 

19. And what time ye do gather together 
at meat, ye shall fill up the stein, and ye shall 
drink saying : To the Day. 

20. And behold all these things did come 
to pass even as he had said ; and the hammer 
was heard in the land throughout many 
years. 



CHAPTER VIII 

1. Now behold at last the time was ripe, 
and Will-Yum and his hosts were ready to 
fall upon the worid. 

2. But lo men were living at peace, and 
the flocks were in the field, and there was 
quiet in the land of Yur-Rup. 

3. And Will-Yum did look upon his hosts 
and upon his ships and they were all ready for 
the fight and everything was prepared but 
there was none who did desire to fight. 

4. And as a man who hath filled up the 
pipe and findeth that he hath no match 
wherewith to light it is fretted, or as he who 
hath prepared the vessel and hath ready the 
sweet flavouring, and the spoon, but then 
doth discover that the bottle is empty is 
thereby driven to eloquence, 

5. So Will-Yum, looking upon his hosts 
ready to give battle and seeing that none did 
desire to have war, was peeved with an ex- 
ceeding great peev. 

35 



36 The Chronicle of 

6. And he did turn upon his counsellors 
and did say: What thing is this that I see? 
I, even I, Will- Yum have provided the hosts. 
Would ye that I provide the enemy upon 
which to turn them loose also? Get ye busy. 
Start something. 

7. And they said unto him: Verily will we 
do our best ; but there seemeth nothing on the 
cards save only a small matter of disagree- 
ment in a far country even in Bos-Nia where- 
by a Prince hath come by his end. 

8. And Will-Yum replied: What more 
would ye? Are we not a peace-loving people 
who do desire nothing but quietness, and 
good- will, and Kul-Tur? Have we no bowels 
of compassion that we shall stand by and see 
a Prince done to death. Out upon ye. Get 
busy. See to it. 

9. And the counsellors and the rulers did 
get busy, and did make up and dispatch to the 
nations certain stinging epistles, and did hold 
back others of a smoothing nature. 

10. And behold there was red war. 

11. Now when this thing was told unto 
Will-Yum, he did feign to put on a counten- 
ance of great sadness ; but in his heart was he 
glad ; and did say : Verily this is The Day. 

12. Then did he ask: What day of the 



Kan-Uk the Kute 37 

month is this? And they repHed: It is the 
fourth. 

13. And he said : Behold by such and such 
a day will I and my captains eat in the tents 
at Par-Ee; and by such and such a day I 
will possess the treasures of the city of the 
Burg even of St. Peter. After that will I 
cross the sea to the land of Bri-Ton and will 
rest my feet upon the mantelpiece which is 
within the Palace called Buck, in the city of 
Lon-Don; which city we will despoil. 

14. And when all these things shall have 
been brought to pass, I and my captains, and 
my men at arms, will take ship and we will 
cross the great sea and will subdue the land 
of Am-er-Eka; and as for Kan-a-Da it is but 
one bite. 

15. But at this they said unto him : Tarry 
a little while Oh Great One, and cast thine 
eyes upon the writing, even the Map. For 
here seest thou the borders of the land of the 
Hun, and yonder behold the borders of the 
land of the Franks ; 

16. Yet between the land of the Hun and 
the land of the Franks seest thou there lies 
the land of the Bel-Gees, and of a truth thou 
hast sworn to honour and to protect that land 
and it is so written. 



38 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

17. And Will- Yum said: Tush Tush; and 
also Piff-Bah; this is but small broth. See 
ye All-Wig. 

18. So they came to the Chance-Seller 
even All-Wig and did put it to him. And he 
did say: Away with this thing and let it not 
irk ye. Are ye not men of honour in your 
country, and see ye not that now are we in the 
hands of a devil, even the devil called Ness- 
ess-Ety? Would ye balk because of the 
scratching of a stylus and a scrap of parch- 
ment? 

19. And so the armies were turned loose 
upon the Bel-Gees who had done no wrong; 
but because only that their land did provide 
a short cut from the land of the Huns into the 
land of the Franks. 

20. And there was mourning and lamenta- 
tion throughout the land because of the 
things which were done. 



CHAPTER IX 

1. And again it came to pass that there 
was a great meeting in Hell. 

2. And as upon a past day Satan did ask : 
How goes it in the main planet of the first 
group even upon Erth? 

3. And Satan's first Loo-Ten-Ant did 
reply: Of a truth am I just back from going 
up and down, and to and fro, in the land, and 
in Yur-Rup and in the land of the Bel-Gees. 

4. At the which Satan did ask : Seest thou 
there things happening after our own heart? 

5. And the Loo-Ten- Ant did wiggle his 
tail and cause the hoofs of his feet to crack, 
and his horns did curl up with delight and he 
said: 

6. Verily I say unto thee, from the things 
I there beheld did I learn many pointers ; and 
I did see that in wickedness upon which I had 
prided myself, I am but a babe and a suckling. 

7. For behold compared with what hap- 
peneth in the land of the Bel-Gees the doings 

39 



40 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

of this place even Hell, are as the calm of a 
meeting of mothers ; or as a gathering given 
over to men's prayers. 

8. And hearing this, Satan did smile and 
say: Yea of a truth this Will- Yum at whose 
hands these things are brought to pass, is 
horn of my horn, and hoof of my hoof. 

9. And behold, this saying did go forth 
even as a thought ; and the wind did take it, 
and it was carried unto Erth, and men did 
gather it. 

10. And having gathered it, they did say 
Amen. 

11. Then did they gird their loins and 
prepare them, and did they take counsel how 
best they might slay this raging beast, and all 
his captains and his hosts. 



BOOK II 

Concerning some of the things which did occur after the 
Great War had started : and even while it did continue. 



41 



CHAPTER X 

1 . Now behold no sooner was this war well 
started, than it was seen of men that a great 
change had come over the ways and methods 
of warfare from what was the condition of old. 

2. For aforetime it was the custom that 
each warrior should go up against a warrior 
of the enemy, and should say, each in divers 
ways but to the same end: 

3. How now thou son of a Curmudgeon, 
Have I caught thee in the way? Lift up 
thy shield, I counsel thee, and guard thyself 
well; for I have a mind to cleave thy skull. 
Also to perforate thy carcase, and to let the 
light of heaven look in upon thy vitals; so 
that ere the sun shall set, thou shalt assuredly 
be a heap of carrion. 

4. To the which, the warrior so addressed 
would reply: Tell me I pray thee. Hath thy 
mother knowledge that thou art absent from 
the nursery? Verily thou doth remind me 
sorely of those effigies which men are wont to 

43 



44 The Chronicle of 

set up what time the grain is planted, to 
affright the birds of the air. Yet do I per- 
ceive they have permitted thee to carry a 
sword and also a buckler. Therefore will I 
honour thee by permitting thee to die by the 
hand of a warrior; even by my hand. 

5. And spoke thou of carrion? Know 
then, thou son of a Skipjack that I do purpose 
to reduce thee to such shreds that the birds 
of the air, even the vultures shall look in vain 
for thee ; and shall cry one to another : Lo do 
I smell something hereabouts, but verily the 
fragments thereof are too small for sight. 

6. And so saying, and with other similar 
words of kindly encouragement the one to 
the other, they did fall to; and the better man 
did win. 

7. But behold now in these days men did 
dig them holes in the ground and did get 
therein; And they did take a cunning case 
even the shell, and did fill it with the metals 
of the earth and put it into a tube; taking 
care to place beneath it certain substances 
which the magicians had prepared in secret. 

8. And when the time was ripe, and he of 
the long sight had looked abroad, there was 
a great and mighty noise, and the shell and 
all that was within did fly off into the air. 



Kan-Uk the Kute 45 

9. And it did fly many leagues to where 
was the enemy; making sundry spiteful 
remarks what time it did fly. And when it 
did alight amongst him there followed its 
chief remark. 

10. After which they gathered up of the 
enemy more than seven basketsfull. 

11. And behold the enemy did this thing 
likewise; so that of these shells were many 
used, and more were called for. And the 
men of the land of Bri-Ton and the men of 
the Franks could not make them as fast as 
they were hurled across. 

12. So they did send messengers to the 
men of Am-er-Eka and of Kan-a-Da and of 
Aus-Ter-Allia saying: Make ye for us these 
shells, and that with all speed ; and verily will 
we pay ye that which ye shall ask for them. 

13. And because there were not enough of 
the young men to do this thing then did the 
maidens put upon them certain male gar- 
ments even the Trow-Sers and did get them 
to the great Temples wherein these things 
were devised, and they did labour: 

14. Thereby they gained so many shekels 
that their hearts were filled with rejoicing; 
and they said unto their sisters: 

15. Of a truth do ye labour from the ris- 



46 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

ing of the Sun until darkness doth fall upon 
the earth, and do make the beds, and blow off 
some of the dust, and break the dishes, and 
wash the faces, even the sticky faces of the 
young ones, but what doth it avail ye? 

1 6. Lo at the change of the moon ye have 
gained for yourselves no more shekels than 
we do hold after only seven days. Come ye 
with us. 

17. And many did so, Yea in such num- 
bers went they up, that the women of the big 
houses did complain saying: Time was when 
there was mistress and there was maid; but 
behold now the former is become as the latter 
and there is none to be got who will help. 

18. But the maidens hearkened not unto 
their cry, but did continue in the way even 
to the making of many shekels. 

19. So that the bazaars of Ee-Ton and 
Sim-Son in Kan-a-Da, and of May-See and 
Wanna and Feeld in Am-er-Eka were filled 
with a mighty crowd ; and that daily. 

20. And the fine raiment which was be- 
holden upon the highway and in the places 
where men do congregate, was such that men 
did marvel greatly. Of the which more shall 
I write anon. 



CHAPTER XI 

1. And when the young men and the 
maidens saw that by the making of the shell 
they could get much gold, they did look them 
abroad to see what manner of thing they 
could take unto themselves; for to hold the 
shekels in the pocket did cause them much 
unrest. 

2. And some did buy them the harp 
which singeth when struck upon the teeth, 
even the Pee-Anner ; and others did buy them 
ornaments of gold and of silver, and others 
did take unto themselves the carriage which 
goeth without steed. 

3. And in front of this carriage what time 
it goeth, is nothing; but behind it is a sound 
of Puff -Puff, and a cloud, and a mighty 
stink. 

4. But behold most of them did take unto 
their tents those boxes, the mystery of which 
is beyond words. 

5. For lo are they filled with canned 

47 



48 The Chronicle of 

echoes; and it is said that such is the greatness 
of their magic, that even by the turning of 
the handle can one obtain whatever echo 
shall be desired. 

6. The voices thereof are varied even as 
the sounds of the waves of the sea. 

7. And to hear upon a day one of these 
magic boxes is good. To hear two, is not 
beyond the endurance of mankind; but 
verily if three shall be heard at the one time, 
it giveth rise to much eloquence. 

8. Now since many did take unto their 
tents these boxes, it did become a sore trial 
to the spirits of those who had no such pos- 
session, but whose tents did happen to be 
pitched between the tents of those who were 
so blessed. 

9. So it is told of a certain man that upon 
a day he did get him to his couch to take his 
rest. For it was the Sabbath and he had 
laboured hard for six days. 

10. And behold he was about to enter 
into the delights of slumber, even the Nap, 
when lo in the tent nigh unto him, they did 
take off the lid from one of those boxes ; and 
the canned echo which did dwell therein, did 
get him out and did spread himself over 
the whole neighbourhood, crying out loudly 



Kan-Uk the Kute 49 

of one who did wear a sweet tulip, and an- 
other who did besport a red, red rose. 

11. And the man who was weary saw not 
the delight of the sweet tulip; nay nor yet 
of the red, red rose; but he did turn him on 
his side and did say Dam. 

12. And when in due time this echo had 
lost itself, and there reigned again a quietness, 
he did once more turn himself and compose 
himself for sleep. 

13. But behold, in the tent across the way, 
they did uncork another echo; and it did 
spread itself abroad boasting of the delights 
of Roamin at the end of day and that in the 
Gloamin. 

14. At the which he upon the couch did 
again turn himself and did utter the unlawful 
word. 

15. And this echo also did fail at last, and 
it was no more. 

16. At the which he upon the couch re- 
joiced much, and did say: Of a truth my sleep 
will be the sweeter in that I have been put off 
from it these two times. And he turned him, 
and did close down the Hds, and did take the 
deep breath. 

17. But behold, he had but done so the 
few occasions than in a third tent nigh at 



50 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

hand, they did open another magic box, and 
the voice did walk out therefrom and stmt 
around. And he was of a great raucousness 
and his great and only desire, as he did ex- 
press it, was that they should Put him 
amongst the Girls. 

1 8. And the man upon the couch did 
straightway get him up ; and his countenance 
was dark ; and as to his words there is no type 
which can express them, and he did bang 
upon the teeth of the harp with all his might ; 
even on the Pee-Anner. 

19. And it is said that in those days 
many such things did come to pass so that 
those whose tents were nigh unto each other 
and who had aforetime lived in harmony the 
one with the other, did begin to look coldly 
what time they did pass in the way. 



CHAPTER XII 

1. Now while the war was being waged in 
Yur-Rup the fleet of Bri-Ton and of the 
Franks did sail the seas eager to do battle. 

2. But as a cur which knoweth that it is 
due for a beating, doth betake itself to the 
darkest corner of its kennel, and will not come 
out even though he who holdeth the whip 
shall say: Guddog, 

3. So the men who did manage the ships 
of Will- Yum did hide themselves behind a 
mighty fortress and did slip out only when 
there were none around to see them. 

4. What time they did shoot down a few 
tents, and tabernacles, on the coast of the 
land of Bri-Ton and did thereby kill many 
young children; after which they flew them 
back to their hiding place and from the dark- 
ness thereof did crow lustily of their amazing 
bravery. 

5. And behold since they were afraid to 
venture out upon the seas they did make 

51 



52 The Chronicle of 

unto them mighty monsters which did swim 
beneath the waters; even Hke Behemoth, 
save only that they were the more mighty. 

6. And they had each of them an eye in 
the middle of his back and it could be put 
forth above the waters to spy around, and 
could it also be drawn in, if so be that there 
were any in sight capable of giving battle. 

7. But lo if there came along a ship which 
was not built for war, but for peace, and the 
carrying of merchandise, then did the hearts 
of these Huns wax valiant; and would they 
cause Behemoth to sneak up with a great 
sneakiness. 

8. And the monster would vomit a cun- 
ning pill which would strike the ship, and 
that ship would be no more. 

9. Now the rules of true warfare did state 
that no ship should thus be given the pill, 
save only after it had been duly apprised of 
the medicine which was being prepared; and 
the men thereon should be saved. 

10. But the men of Will-Yum said: What 
care we for any such rule; and if so be that 
there shall be women and children on the 
ship, let them see to it. 

1 1 . Yet there did come a day when upon 
a ship which was given the pill after this 



Kan-Uk the Kute 53 

fashion even without warning, was a man of 
the land of Am-er-Eka and he did perish. 

12. Thereupon in the land from which he 
came some did lament saying: How cometh 
this thing? Are we, even the men of Am-er- 
Eka, to be pilled in this fashion by the Hun, 
and that without warning? Cannot our 
Ruler see to this thing? 

13. And lo it was mentioned to the ruler 
of the land one Wil-Sohn and he did say: 
Leave it to me. 

14. And he got him a scroll of the one 
face, known in the land as the Pose-Kaad 
and did write: Dear Will- Yum. I beseech 
thee pill not our ships without warning. 
Greetings and long Hfe. 

15. But many did say: Let us work and 
not talk, for this fight it is not ours. Likewise 
are we not making out of it many shekels ? 

16. And when the epistle was brought 
unto Will-Yum he did frown upon it saying: 
Who is this Wil-Sohn that he doth dare to 
write unto me? 

17. Now the course of the war was by 
this time running not so smoothly for the 
Huns as had been thought aforetime. For 
the day was long past when by the written 
order, even the Sked-Yewl, should they have 



54 The Chronicle of 

been despoiling the great city of the Franks; 
yet were they far from it. 

1 8. So the Counsellors did say unto Will- 
Yum: Well do we know this Wil-Sohn; a 
wordy man, and given to applying the birch 
to those upon whom the beard hath not yet 
sprouted. Aforetime was he a keeper of a 
school ; but as a Man of war, he is even as the 
joke. 

19. Nevertheless we beseech thee that 
thou reply him soothingly. Anger him not 
at this stage; but later then shalt thou deal 
with him as thou shalt desire. 

20. For behold, even at this hour have we 
one of our trusted sons abiding in his tent 
even Burn-Stuff; and he will order things 
well for us if so be that thou shalt say nothing 
of a directness which shall preclude this thing. 

21. So Will-Yum did write unto Wil- 
Sohn then and in this fashion. That they 
who were in charge of the sea monster did 
cause it to vomit the deadly pill at a ship. 
But the ship was not that on which was the 
man of Am-er-Eka but another vessel; yet 
because this other vessel was not to be seen, 
but was below the sky line called Hor-I-Zon, 
the pill did decide to make for the nearer 
vessel; and it did grieve the heart of Will- 



Kan-Uk the Kute 55 

Yum sorely; for as all men did know he was 
a man of infinite goodness, and even as the 
very milk of kindness. 

22 . Thus did Will- Yum write to Wil-Sohn ; 
but to the man who had done this deed did 
he send a cross of iron and did say: Pill him 
again. 

23. And upon another day, the sons of the 
Hun did shoot their pill at another vessel 
on which were the men of Am-er-Eka even 
the Fa-la-Baa and they perished. 

24. Thereat the people again did murmur ; 
and their ruler Wil-Sohn did send another 
note; only on this time did he use a longer 
scroll, and his words, they were of more than 
one syllable. 

25. And lo, Will-Yum did tell his Counsel- 
lors that he had gotten another epistle and 
did ask: What this time shall I say to this 
Wil-Sohn? 

26. And the Counsellors replied: Far be 
it from us to assume wisdom over thee, but 
thou might say that thy commander of the 
Behemoth had come unto that state which 
the men of Am-er-Eka do call the home of 
the insect even Bug-House and did cause the 
pill to be launched to commit him suicide. 

27. But behold the pill did bounce off the 



56 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

rib of Behemoth and did strike the vessel on 
which were the men of Am-er-Eka. Also 
say that we can produce the rib. And leave 
it to Burn-Stuff. 

28. And Will- Yum did even as he was 
bespoken; but as for the men of Am-er-Eka 
when they did get this epistle they did pull 
their belts one notch the tighter ; and did they 
spit out much juice; even the brown juice 
which is Nik-ot-Ene. 

29. But those whose names were of the 
Hy-Fen who were sojourning in the land of 
Am-er-Eka but whose hearts were in the 
land of the Hun, these men did put them each 
his tongue into his cheek, and did foregather 
in the secret places, and did say words con- 
cerning the greatness of Will-Yum. 

30. Likewise they did say of Wil-Sohn 
that which they would not have had pro- 
claimed from the housetops. 

31. And as the Huns did give the pill to 
the Fa-la-Baa so also did they unto the Gush- 
ing; and having thus gotten them the habit, 
they did likewise pill the Gulf- Lite and many 
other vessels; so that the men of Am-er-Eka 
were smitten hip and thigh, and were drowned 
in the great waters. 



CHAPTER XIII 

1. Now there dwelled in the land of 
Arc-er-Eka a certain Ford who was a mighty 
mechanic. 

2. The same it was who had called into 
being one of those cunning chariots which do 
run without any steed; before which goeth 
nothing at all, but behind which is a cloud, 
and a noise of Puff-Puff, and a mighty 
stink. 

3. And the chariot which was made by 
this Ford, was it small of its kind, and as 
compared with the other chariots of like 
nature ; but yet could it breathe out as loudly 
as any of them; and could be heard from as 
far off. 

4. Also was it second unto none at the 
creating of the stink; without which no 
chariot is to be considered; and did it con- 
sume less of the white wine which is as water ; 
save only as to its cost, and was it lighter 
upon the hoofs, which were of Rub-Ber. 

57 



58 The Chronicle of 

5. So that men looked with favour upon 
this chariot and did buy them many thereof. 
Whereupon the other makers of chariots did 
wax wrath and did deride it saying : 

6. Lo it is useful of men, but that only 
to be put into the tool box of these our make 
of chariot. Or again: It lacketh but the 
one thing; for were it but one span the 
shorter then could men put it into the bath 
of the young child to wash. 

7. Some also there were, who did liken 
it unto the can wherein men do put the little 
fish even the sardine. Others did call it an 
Elizabeth of Tin. 

8. Notwithstanding all of which, by its 
works was it mostly judged of men; and 
verily it did get there. 

9. Now the creator of this chariot, even 
this Ford, did look upon the war with a sad 
countenance; for roads which are being used 
for battle are not convenient at the same 
time for the car of pleasure. Also while men 
do fight, they cannot buy them the steedless 
chariot. 

10. So he did give much thought to the 
matter and did say: Behold these nations 
are so busy at the fight, and are killing 
themselves with so great a thoroughness, 



Kan-Uk the Kute 59 

that they have no time to give thought to 
the ending of the fray. 

11. Therefore will I get me together a 
great company of those who prefer to ride 
in the chariot and be at peace, rather than 
to die them the valiant death of the warrior; 
and we will get us over to where the fight 
doth wage. 

12. And will we call upon the men, even 
the men of both sides saying: Come ye out 
of these great holes wherein ye are hiding 
one from another. Stop ye this hurtful swat- 
ting of each other, and instead, mend ye 
these roads which ye have so disturbed for a 
long season, and ride ye at peace in the 
chariots which do run without steeds. 

13. So behold he did engage him a great 
vessel, and did send out messages unto the 
great ones saying: Come ye with me, and 
we will end this strife; and that before the 
Feast of Christmas which is now approaching. 

14. Now many of the great ones did 
think otherwise ; some being of the mind that 
it would not be good that the strife should 
end, until Will-Ytim and the whole tribe of 
the Hun should be smitten ; for were they as 
an evil sore in the side of the other nations. 

15. So it came to pass that when they were 



6o The Chronicle of 

invited they did send excuses saying some of 
them: Lo do we think that thou art a wise 
mechanic and a kindly; and great is thy 
chariot. Gladly would we go with thee upon 
this journey, but behold the Feast of Thanks- 
giving is at hand, and we have killed the 
fatted turkey, and have invited our friends, 
and we cannot go. 

1 6. And when the day for the sailing 
did draw on, and the vessel did put forth, 
behold the party of Peace was not nearly so 
great as the contents of the vessel could have 
made possible. 

17. And when the ship did come to the 
sea, the winds did blow upon it, and it did 
rock, and that sorely. 

18. So that when they who were upon the 
ship did get together to form a plan whereby 
peace should the more quickly be brought 
about, he who was appointed to the head 
of the table did say: I do move. And so 
saying he did move; and that with haste 
even to the side of the vessel; and there did 
he sit for long and did contemplate the ocean. 
And because that his feelings were powerful 
did he groan in spirit. Also was he white 
about the gills. 

19. So another did take his place at the 



Kan-Uk the Kute 6i 

head of the table and did say: Lo I feel 
within me that Peace is desirable, but before 
this thing can come to pass, it seemeth me 
that many things must be brought to light. 

20. And he did get no further with his 
admonition, but like unto him who was 
before him, did he get him to the side of the 
ship; and speedily, even as he had said it, 
were many things brought to light. 

21. Now there was of the party a certain 
woman whose name did liken her unto the 
Rose. And like the rose she did have many 
thorns. 

22. To those who said Yea when she said 
Yea, was she ever as the flower; But those 
who said Nay when she said Yea, verily they 
did feel the thorns. 

23. And there arose dissension in the 
party even the party of Peace and the heart 
of the leader thereof was sad within him. 

24. And when the vessel did come to the 
other side, Lo things were not as he could 
have desired; and the great ones did look 
coldly upon him and upon his party. 

25. So that they would go unto the tent 
of one great one, and he would receive them 
with kindness and would say: Of a truth do 
we know of this Ford, and also have we 



62 The Chronicle of 

knowledge of the chariot which he doth 
make; but is he not a man of the machine? 
What knoweth he of the matters of the 
Nations? 

26. At the which some of they who were 
of the party did say: Told we not it would 
be so? Thus should ye have done, even as 
we said. 

2"j. And to another great one would they 
go, and he also would receive them with 
kindness, even the glad hand. And he would 
talk of the wonders of the land of Am-er-Eka, 
and of the chariot of the man Ford, and of 
the rain, and of the winds of heaven. Also 
of the galloping of the Gee-Gee what time 
he doth run for sport. 

28. Of one thing only would he not talk; 
and lo that thing was Peace. Nay at the 
very mention thereof did he become as the 
oyster. 

29. And the women of the Peace Party 
did contend for this thing, and some did 
strive for another thing, and still a third 
band did demand something different to 
either of the others. 

30. And the squirrels which they had 
taken with them did chatter. 

31. And behold the chattering of the 



Kan-Uk the Kute 63 

squirrels did prove as effective in bringing 
about the peace, as the chattering of the 
mortals. 

32. For verily it was a fizzle. 

33. Yet did men say of this Ford: He 
hath done his best; And it was so: yet 
afterwards did this same Ford do still better. 

34. For when, in the fulness of time, the 
men of Am-er-Eka did come into the fray, 
as shall be told in this Chronicle, he did help 
to make the weapons of warfare which alone 
could let understanding into the skull of 
the Hun. 



CHAPTER XIV 

1. Now about this time the men of 
Am-er-Eka did consider whether or no they 
should change their ruler; for it was the 
custom with them that one man should not 
rule over them for ever, but that a change 
was as good almost as a rest. 

2. And there were some who did ask: 
Of what good is this Wil-Sohn? Do not 
the Huns and their rulers snap their fingers 
at him, and as for his epistles they are a vain 
thing. 

3. Can we not have Ted-Dee to rule over 
us, for lo he is a man after our own hearts; 
and were he to rule over us at this time, then 
would the hide of Will- Yum be speedily at 
the tannery. 

4. For behold this Ted-Dee was a mighty 
man of action; beneath whose sandals little 
grass did ever grow. Neither cared he for 
man, nor yet for beast. He it was who did 
ride the steed what time it did buck; and 

64 



Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 65 

who did get him to the far country to slay 
the Hon, and the tiger, and the Ele-Fant. 

5. Of the Rhino -Serous also was he not 
afraid nor of anything that was Rhino, even 
though the hide of the beast should be of a 
great toughness and hard to penetrate. 

6. The same was he who when they did 
point out unto him that to go up against the 
Rhino-Serous was a thing full of danger, and 
not to be attempted save by him whose 
papers of the In-Shore-Ans were in order, 
and that because of the exceeding great 
thickness of the hide of the beast, did say : 

7. Lo I do care for it not at all. His 
thickness of skin is to me a Httle thing; for 
have I not from my youth upwards had to deal 
with the PoH-Tish-Un even the Ward Boss? 

8. And others were there who did say: 
Behold there is one Hews, a good man and 
valiant, and almost as good at the Note as 
Wil-Sohn. 

9. Still others did say: Let him alone. 
This Wil-Sohn, we tell ye, cannot be bet- 
tered. For behold who is there in the land 
who can use as many words of a surprising 
bigness aye and can speak them too ? More- 
over hath he not kept us safely out of this 
bloody battle? Also are we not waxing fat 



66 The Chronicle of 

out of those things which they who do fight, 
do buy from us, and pay for, and straight- 
way do go out and send up in smoke, and 
call for more? 

10. Therefore let us smack our lips, and 
give unto this Wil-sohn our mark; or per- 
adventure two marks if so it can be arranged, 
and so shall he be ruler over us again and 
until the end of this war. Then, if ye like 
it, can ye make a change. 

11. So the day did come upon which all 
men were to make their mark as to which 
ruler they would have; and the ruler for 
whom most marks were made, he it was who 
was given to live at the House which is 
washed White. 

12. And when the marks were counted 
it was said by some, that Hews was to be 
the ruler; but men did find more bundles of 
marks, and it did take them many days to 
count them. 

13. Then was it found that Wil-Sohn 
was again the chosen of the people; and he 
did put on the vest which is of stars, and the 
pants which are of stripes, yea many stripes 
for the men of Am-er-Eka do speak their 
minds boldly, and anon do wipe off their 
ruler and that with the bullet. 



Kan-Uk the Kute 67 

14. And when Wil-Sohn was again ap- 
pointed of the people, many came to fall 
down before him; and amongst them also 
came one Burn-Stnff of the camp of the Huns 
saying: Wise art thou above all the men of 
Am-er-Eka and at the Note there is none 
like unto thee. 

15. But in secret did he write an epistle 
unto his master Will-Yum and did send it, 
saying therein: 

16. Verily these men of Am-er-Eka are 
like unto the ass. At the mouth do they 
bray; but at the brain is there degeneration 
by fatness; and as for our Kul-Tur it is not 
there. 

17. Much did I fear that they would 
appoint unto themselves this Hews; and my 
soul did sink within me, when I did hear the 
name of Ted-Dee ; but now rejoice ye greatly 
for Wil-Sohn is elected, and will ye be troubled 
with naught save only Notes. 

18. The ass may bray, but I say unto ye 
that ye may twist his tail even as it doth 
seem needful ; and that without fear. 



CHAPTER XV 

1. Now when Will- Yum and the captains 
of the Huns did see that Wil-Sohn was again 
appointed and did get the epistle of Burn- 
Stuff, they rejoiced exceedingly and did 
make a great feast, and did laugh with un- 
seemly laughter and did mock saying: 

2. Yah shall we now have many Notes, 
and of a great bigness. 

3. And Will- Yum said unto Hin-Dee: I 
see that thou lookest pale about the gills 
at this the tidings, but be not cast down; for 
the notes do come first unto me. Take some 
lager. 

4. And Hin-Dee did say unto Tur-pen- 
Tines: Of a truth will this Wil-Sohn make 
short work of thy Behemoth if so be that he 
can drop upon it but one of his notes. Never- 
theless be of good cheer. Have some Liver- 
Vort. 

5. And Tur-pen-Tines did say unto Zepp- 
Ellen : Tell me the answer to this riddle ; In 

68 



Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 69 

what like do the epistles of this Wil-Sohn 
resemble the engines of warfare that thou 
hast fathered ? 

6. And Zepp-Ellen replied: Because are 
they above the heads of men. 

7. Nay, replied Tur-pen-Tines, Not so; 
because are they full of gas. Have some 
Sauer-Kraut. 

8. Then together did they say: Now, as 
in the past, only more so, will we do as we 
please on the seas, and under the seas; for 
the men of Am-er-Eka are a craven and a 
gold-loving people only ; and will not come in 
upon this fight whatsoever we may do. Yea 
are they as the ass; and will we twist his 
tail at our pleasure. 

9. And behold this they said because 
their eyes were darkened and because they 
knew not Wil-Sohn that he was a man not 
afraid to act, but only afraid that he should 
act at the time which was not ripe. 

10. Now at this time there was a great 
vessel even the Lucy-Ten; and was it known 
unto all men who did go down to the sea in 
ships as being a fine vessel and speedy withal ; 
no matter which way the wind it did blow. 

11. And as this vessel was making it 
ready to sail from the Port of Neark in the 



70 The Chronicle of 

land of Am-er-Eka the man of Will- Yum 
did secretly send word unto his master the 
news thereof. 

12. Also did he cause to appear a great 
writing that all who adventured forth upon 
the vessel, even the Lucy-Ten should do so 
at their peril. 

13. And the Behemoth of the Hun did 
lie in wait for that vessel, and did vomit 
upon it the deadly pill; and it did sink; so 
that they who perished were many, of men, 
and of women, and of little children. 

14. At this happening, behold the men of 
Am-er-Eka were sore vexed: yea was their 
wrath at the white heat ; and the brown juice 
which they did spit out it was as an ocean. 

15. And they cried out unto their ruler, 
and he did get him into a quiet place for two 
days and two nights; and did he search the 
scrolls diligently, for the mightiest words 
that had ever been written of men. And he 
did collect them and build them up, cement- 
ing them together with great pains and 
amazing labour, for his soul was sore within 
him. 

16. And when he had finished his epistle, 
he did come out of his secret place, and the 
Note it was sent unto Will-Yum and did 



. Kan-Uk the Kute 71 

say that he should bring forth signs of re- 
pentance, and that as a token of his sorrow 
should he send much gold. Also a covenant 
that the like event should not again happen. 

17. But when Will- Yum did see the 
epistle, he did mock thereat sa3dng: What 
next will this man write unto us? Did not 
my servant Burn-Stuff cause a writing to be 
issued that all who did go upon this vessel 
should do so only at their peril? If therefore 
they who did go upon that vessel in the 
teeth of that warning did come to an end 
by the swallowing of too much water, why 
should we put on the sackcloth and cover 
ourselves with ashes. 

18. Also as for the paying of much gold, 
we will have none of it. Had it not been for 
the men of Bri-Ton who will have nothing 
of our Kul-Tur, this thing need not have 
come to pass. At that door therefore let 
the Note be laid. 

19. As it is. So is it. Now let us pass to 
the next business. 

20. And when Wil-Sohn got this epistle 
from Will-Yum he did vow that he would 
cease the writing of the Note, aye even that 
he would send that which would have the 
more weight. 



^2 The Chronicle of 

21. So he called together his Counsellors, 
and did put before them his intent that the 
thing which had been done was full of evil- 
ness; and that no longer should the Men of 
Am-er-Eka be set at naught by this Will- 
Yum. 

22. And with one accord did the coun- 
sellors agree with him that it should be so. 

23. So Wil-Sohn did arise in his might, 
and did send the Counsellor of Will- Yum, 
he that was called Burn-Stuff, packing; he 
and his wife, and his servants, and his supply 
of sausages and sauer -kraut, and the gar- 
ments which do go next to the skin what 
time the air it doth chill. 

24. But only the rubber which the ser- 
vants of Burn-Stuff had intended to take, 
was that detained. At the which Burn- 
Stuff would have gnashed his teeth, save only 
that they were of the finest enamel and for 
them had he given many shekels. 

25. And Wil-Sohn did prove that he was 
a man of valour, and not afraid of Will- Yum 
and all his hosts; only did he act surely and 
with deliberation, and not in foolish haste 
after the manner of Huns and things. 

26. And he did send a writing unto 
Will- Yum saying: Long have we borne with 



Kan-Uk the Kute 73 

thy evil doings, and many are the times we 
have called upon thee to repent; but ever 
didst thou harden thine heart. Now look 
thee to it; for we will fall upon thee, and will 
smite thee hip and thigh. 

27. And to the men of Am-er-Eka Wil- 
Sohn did say: Are ye not with me in this 
thing that I do? 

28. And they who had little gold, but 
many sons did say: To the last son. 

29. And they who were lusty of limb, 
ready to go to the fight, did say: To the last 
breath of our nostrils. 

30. And they who were rich did say: 
To the last dam cent. 

31. And as for the others, they said them 
not a word; yet did they tighten their belts 
and did eject the brown fluid in immense 
quantity. 

32. And verily it was stronger than 
words. 

33. Thus did it come to pass that the 
men of Am-er-Eka did come into this war. 



CHAPTER XVI 

1. Now about this time there was in 
the Land of Kan-a-Da a certain Board. 

2. And this meaneth not a piece of a tree 
but a body of men and were they given to the 
overlooking of those who did turn out the 
munitions of war even the shells, that they 
should not make unto themselves too many 
shekels. 

3. And behold, he who was at the head 
of this Board, was a mighty man of business; 
and was it said of him that he did under- 
stand with a great thoroughness how to pile 
up the shekels one upon the other. 

4. And this is a secret which all men do 
covet. 

5. And the ruler of the land of Bri-Ton 
did give unto him a writing of a kind that 
those who did possess the same should never 
again be called by men Bill, nor yet Tom, 
nor even Har-Ree as is the manner of men 
one unto the other; but should he ever be 
called Sir. 

74 



Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 75 

6. At the which, many in the land did 
murmur saying: What want we in Kan-a-Da 
with these writings which do estabHsh differ- 
ences between men. For are not all men 
born equal ? 

7. But they who kept the great houses of 
refreshment, and the resorts for the hot 
season, and the bazaars, murmured not; but 
did say: It is good. For behold what time 
one of these who are thus styled shall ask 
for accommodation, or shall buy from us 
merchandise, then because he is not Tom, 
nor Har-Ree, nor Bill, but is Sir, will we 
charge him twice the price. 

8. And he will pay it, and that without 
complaint; for it is upon the cards that no 
man can be styled Sir for nothing. 

9. Now it came to pass, that certain men 
did present themselves before this great 
one, even before he of the Board, and did 
say: Knowest thou, that certain of those 
men who do bring forth the shell are making 
thereby too many shekels, and that by reason 
of charging a price higher than the where- 
withal is worth? 

10. And he did reply: If so it be, then 
it is an evil thing; and those profits, even 
those of the excess, should surely be con- 



76 The Chronicle of 

signed to the nethermost regions; even to 
HeU. 

11. Now when some did hear of these 
words they did whisper saying: Is not he 
who did say this, one of a certain band which 
have engaged in trade, and do sell unto us that 
without which the table in the morning is 
wanting, even the Ba-Kon? 

12. And which band also hath built 
great barns, and storehouses, and caverns 
in which is a great coldness, so that the food 
of man shall not perish, but shall remain 
safe and sweet until the day of scarcity and 
big prices ? 

13. Also have they not taken unto them- 
selves a motto, which being interpreted doth 
mean: Pigs is Pigs? 

14. And how comes it we ask that where- 
as of old we did pay for the Ba-Kon but so 
many shekels, now are we asked to part with 
double the number? 

15. And behold these murmurings did 
spread, and in the fulness of time did come 
to the ears of the rulers so that no man could 
hush them up. 

16. Thereupon the rulers did appoint 
certain men to form them into what was 
known in the land as a Commission. 



Kan-Uk the Kute 77 

17. Now a Commissioner is like unto a 
Judge ; yet is there a difference, in that a Com- 
missioner need not be ashamed to admit that 
he doth know of what goeth on in the world 
outside the Temple of the Law ; but he that is 
a Judge shall admit of no such knowledge ; 

18. So that if one of those who do appear 
before him should say: It is even so and so, 
according to Har-Ree Law-Der; or again: 
Shak-his-Speare doth say this or that, 

19. Then lo he that is called Commis- 
sioner might smile; but he that is a Judge, 
shall put upon his countenance the look 
called Blank and shall ask: Where is this 
place Har-Ree Law-Der? Or; In what Law 
report is the case of this Shak-his-Speare to 
which thou doth refer? 

20. Now when this Commission had com- 
mished, even upon the doings of the Com- 
pany whose motto was Pigs is Pigs, behold 
it was revealed that the company had made 
many shekels by the cunning treatment of 
the flesh of the hog. 

21. For whereas of old men did put salt 
upon the flesh dry, of late did this company 
follow the ways of the foreigner even the 
Dane and did put the flesh into great pits 
in which was much water; even the Pik-El. 



78 The Chronicle of 

22. And the flesh did drink up this Pik-El 
so that what was put in two pounds, did come 
out more. 

23. And seeing this, the leaders of that 
company did say unto those who did labour 
for them: Verily is the pig a thirsty beast; 
and he doth love to drink not only in his life, 
but also after he is dead. Yea his flesh 
drinketh up much Pik-El. 

24. But see ye to it. Be ye not muserly 
in this matter. Give him enough! And 
behold ye shall not only Pik-El his flesh the 
once, which doth bring our two pounds out as 
more, but shall ye soak him again; giving him 
even the thing called Post-Kure. 

25. And this shall mean many shekels 
in our pockets. 

26. And having commanded those who 
did labour for them thus to soak the flesh, 
these men of business did say amongst 
themselves and in secret: Now have we 
soaked the Ba-Kon, behold let us soak also 
they who do eat it; and henceforth the price 
it shall be so and so. 

2"], And it was done even in this manner; 
so that the Commissioners did find that these 
men had made them great and marvellous 
profits. 



Kan-Uk the Kute 79 

28. Thereupon one of the Commissioners 
did ask the leader: Tell me, is it not true as 
men do report that thou didst upon occasion 
say that when profits were made of the nature 
called excess, they should be consigned to 
the nethermost regions, even to Hell? 

29. And he replied: I said it. 

30. Then asked another: How about these 
great profits which ye have made out of the 
flesh of the Pig even the Ba-Kon? 

31. But the man of business did point 
out, and that quite clearly, that his saying 
did not apply to the profits which the men 
of his band did make, but only to the profits 
of the other fellow. 



CHAPTER XVII 

1. Now at this time, there sojourned in 
the land of Kan-a-Da and in the land of 
Am-er-Eka many sons of the land of Bri-Ton ; 
and they, hearing that this war with Will- 
Yum and his hosts was not likely to be over 
in a season, and that every sword did make 
one more, did say: Verily will we get us up, 
and we will go upon the big vessel, and come 
unto the place where this fight it doth wax 
hot. 

2. And this they said of themselves; and 
without any compulsion having been put 
upon them to go; for were they brave men, 
and their hearts were of size nine. 

3. But others there were who did go 
thinking lightly of the matter, and saying: 
Gee this knocking on the head will be at an 
end before we do get there, yet shall we see 
the land of the Franks and shall disport 
ourselves in the city of Par-Ee wherein we 
have heard are damsels passing fair. 

80 



Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 8i 

4. And again others there were who had 
within their tents a prickly thing which 
irked them sore; even a mother in law; so 
that there was no peace for them within 
their own borders. 

5. And some of these did say: Verily this 
Will- Yum and his hosts do make things hum, 
yet have they nothing on this my mother in 
law affliction. For behold my lot. 

6. If so be that I am not astir before a set 
hour, then do I get a sore head; and if I come 
not in at nightfall before the moon is above 
the earth's rim, then is that condition brought 
to pass which is known amongst the heathen 
as Hell-to-Pay. 

7. And while they were in the mood, 
did they get them up and go straightway 
and take upon them the mantle of the warrior, 
and did depart from the land; passing as it 
were from war unto peace; whereas for most 
men was it otherwise. 

8. And lo it is written of one of these 
men, that no sooner had he arrived in the 
land where the Hun did fight, than the sting 
which was in his tent was removed and that 
by death. 

9. And one who was a friend did send a 
message to him in the far country, even a 

6 



82 The Chronicle of 

message by the wire which talketh; so that 
it would get to him with all speed. 

10. And the message did ask concerning 
what manner of method should be observed 
in the laying away of the mother in law, 
whether she should be buried after the 
manner of so many, or embalmed after the 
manner of the Egyptians, or whether her 
body should be burned after the method of 
the tribes of the East. 

11. And with all speed that man did 
reply saying: Take thou no chances. Of 
these methods try all three. 

12. Now when all those had been carried 
to the war who did go of their own will, or 
for reasons already given, there remained 
still a sore need for many more. 

13. So the rulers of Kan-a-Da and of 
Am-er-Eka did issue a great writing to the 
effect that all the young men who were lusty, 
and the strong, and all they who were well 
nourished, should report them and should 
go to help subdue the mighty Hun. 

14. But nevertheless was it decreed that 
if any should show good cause why he should 
not be dispatched, his words should be 
hearkened unto and judgment given ac- 
cordingly. 



Kan-Uk the Kute 83 

15. And some did come and say: Fain 
would I go and fight against the Hun, only 
that I am the sole support of myself and 
fourteen others. 

16. And into these cases the Tribunal 
did look; and if such were not the case they 
did say: Thou must get thee up and go and 
fight. 

17. And if such were the case they did 
say also : Behold now it is better that thou 
should go so that the fourteen may make 
some shift for themselves and also may use 
up the shekels which are called Pat-Riotik. 

18. And another did say: Behold am I 
eager to go to the fight, yet say ye not that 
he who produceth the succulent onion and 
who maketh two blades of corn to grow 
where before there was but cinders is more 
needed in this land than at the fight? That 
is the kind of man I am, even a Producer. 

19. And the Tribunal did send messengers 
to inquire into it, and behold they did find 
that the young man did cultivate but a little 
plot yea even the Bak-Yard so they said imto 
him : Thou must get thee off to the fight. 

20. And still another class of man did 
come along, the spokesman for which did 
say : We would go and fight, and that quite 



84 The Chronicle of 

gladly, but that are we all sorely troubled 
with a growth within us, even a Conscience. 
And this doth ever tell us that it is not right 
to smite our brother even though he be a 
Hun. 

21. And the headman of the Tribunal did 
say: Tell us this. If it should come to pass 
that one of these sons of iniquity, even the 
Hun, should smite ye upon the right cheek 
what would ye do? 

22. And the spokesman did reply: We 
would do even as is commanded; we would 
turn to him the left cheek also. 

23. Thereupon the headman did reply: 
Be it as ye say then, Nevertheless shall ye be 
sent to the war, and when the Hun shall 
smite your right cheek, then will ye see that 
this growth within ye, even this Conscience, 
will be mightily subdued. 

24. And when he shall smite your left 
cheek, then will ye see that it will be cured 
altogether; and ye shall swat him back again 
and that even more mightily than they who 
had no such growth in the first place. 

25. And verily so it did prove. 

26. And there came up another who did 
say: Behold now, and ye will admit that of 
a truth I can not be sent unto this war, for 



Kan-Uk the Kute 85 

without me would many be robbed of their 
delight. To they who travel by the great 
Caravan, am I necessary. By they who in sea- 
son do travel upon the ships across the little 
waters am I beloved; and they who call 
in their friends to rejoice, do also need me 
sorely. Therefore I say unto ye, I cannot be 
spared from the country. 

2^]. But the men of the Tribunal did ask: 
Who is this man, and what manner of life 
doth he lead that he is thus not to be spared 
from the land ? 

28. And the messengers did go forth and 
did enquire and did come them back with 
their report saying : 

29. Verily is it as he doth say. Of a 
truth could he not be spared from the land, 
for behold he is the man who roasteth the 
Pea-Nut. 

30. So this man he is with us to this day. 



CHAPTER XVIII 

1. About this time it did come to pass 
that the women who were leaders in the land 
did say : Verily will we set up unto ourselves 
a new god, of whom have we long heard, 
but whom have we ever held at arms' length ; 
yea even the god called E-Kon-Omy. 

2. And according to the command of this 
new god, what time we do get us to the 
bazaar to buy us the headgear we do love, 
then will we have none of the glorious ones 
which are covered with the feathers of the 
strange bird, and with the costly plush, 
such as our hearts have rejoiced in of yore, 
but will we take only the little ones which 
rnay be had for the few shekels and thereby 
much will be saved, and the words of our 
mankind what time the thing called Bill 
is presented will they be of fewer syllables. 

3. So it came to pass that in the bazaars 
of Ee-Ton in Kan-a-Da and of Wanna and 
Feeld and Koo-Pah in the land of Am-er-Eka 

86 



Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 87 

there were sold only the little headgears; and 
the costly, and the rich ones, were they left 
behind and they did become no longer to be 
seen in the market place. 

4. And the women did again lift up their 
voices and did say: Behold while great is 
this god E-Kon-Omy let our hearts also 
forget not that other god, even he who is 
called Kom-pen-Sa-Shon, and as we do cut 
down our glory at the one end of us, let us 
see to it that we do increase it at the other 
end; in the coverings of the leg and the 
sandals. 

5. For behold men do love to look upon 
us what time we do put on our finery ; though 
of a truth they look not the other way if we 
do take some of it off. 

6. So did they get for themselves costly 
sandals, of the skin of the kid; which did 
come high above the foot parts, and the 
price thereof was up to twenty shekels. 

7. And lo many did get them these costly 
sandals, notwithstanding that they held 
not the price thereof; but did they say unto 
those in the bazaar: 

8. Grant ye we pray that we may be 
permitted to take these glorious sandals at 
the sight whereof are our hearts ravished, 



88 The Chronicle of 

and that for joy. And today will we pay 
for them the one third of their value. And 
in a little while will we pay another third, 
and again to the full value. 

9. And it was so permitted; so that what 
time the last payment was made for those 
sandals, the wearer thereof was ready for 
another pair. 

10. And certain damsels did buy also 
the coverings for the leg in gay colours, 
and in silk, for the which some do say that 
they paid ten pieces of silver. 

11. But behold having gotten them these 
they did then say: Of what availeth these 
costly sandals and these gorgeous coverings 
for the legs if so be, that our other garment 
even the skirt, doth hide their glories from 
the sight ? 

12. So behold it shall go forth as an order 
amongst us, that the skirt it shall henceforth 
be shortened. And as to the matter of this 
proportion, what time we shall wear the fine 
sandals, but shall not wear the gay Stok- 
Ings then shall the skirt be shortened even 
to the top of the sandals. 

13. B ut what time we are the more blessed, 
and do possess not only the fine sandals but 
also the Stok-Ings of great ravishment, then 



Kan-Uk the Kute 89 

shall we further shorten the garment called 
skirt. 

14. And let it be to this extent, aye even 
this shall be the rule. That if we do give 
for the Stok-Ings ten shekels, then shall we 
so shorten the skirt, that the length of Stok- 
Ings to be seen of men shall be equal to nine 
shekels and three quarters. 

15. And it was so. And the young men 
did not murmur. 



CHAPTER XIX 

1. Now it came to pass that the war did 
continue many days; and the food of the 
people in Kan-a-Da and in Am-er-Eka did 
become used up ; so that there was a shortage 
of the sweetening stuff and of other good 
things. 

2. And the rulers did appoint a man so 
that he should sit him in a goodly tent and 
should see to it that the people who did go 
short, should be about evenly distributed. 

3. Also did he send out an edict that all 
who did eat in public places should not be 
served with the flesh of the ox nor of the pig 
upon certain days. 

4. And of the men who did eat in public 
places there were more than a score. 

5. But as to those who did eat not in 
public, but in the privacy of their own tent, 
these men might eat of the flesh of the ox, or 
the flesh of the pig, yea or of both, whenever 
they did so will. 

90 



Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 91 

6. And of these men there were more 
than a thousand. 

7. So behold the saving of the life amongst 
the oxen, and amongst the swine, was not so 
great that these creatures did pass one of 
those things called Votathanks. 

8. And in those days also, certain men 
did crush out the ears of corn, and did put 
the flakes into coloured contrivances with 
boastful writings on the outside thereof in 
many colours, telling how that there was 
nothing in the whole world which did taste 
so delicious. 

9. And it did become a custom amongst 
the people that no morning did dawn but 
what they did eat of these flakes and did 
they get the habit. 

10. Now behold when the time of shortage 
was come upon the land, some foolish wor- 
shippers of the god E-Kon-Omy did cast 
their eyes upon these coverings which did 
enclose the flakes and did say: 

11. Inasmuch as the inscribing of these 
boastful words doth cost money, and inas- 
much also as we cannot eat them, thus are 
we paying for something the value of which 
we do not get; and it is not good that this 
thing should be. 



92 The Chronicle of 

12. And their murmurings did reach the 
ears of they who were about the tent of the 
great one who was appointed to see to these 
things; so that they did cause to be issued 
a writing that after a certain day, no more 
should those flakes be put into the cases on 
which were the boastful writings. 

13. And lo, the makers of the flakes they 
did get them up in wrath; and did say to 
him who was appointed: Art thou not 
appointed by the rulers to prevent, and not 
to cause, that which is an evil thing in this 
the time of scarcity, even the thing called 
waste ? 

14. Behold now if we do sell the flakes 
without the thing called wrapping, then by 
reason of their exceeding thinness, will they 
all crumble to a nothingness; and the grum- 
bling thereat will be as a strong wind and that 
not from heaven. 

15. Others there were who did mock 
saying: Verily will he next ordain that the 
milk it shall not be sold unto us save on the 
fork; and eggs save by the barrel. 

16. And he who had control of these 
matters did say: Methinks there is some- 
thing in what ye do say; but the order was 
not one of mine own, but was it issued by 



Kan-Uk the Kute 93 

some of my young men who are eager for the 
saving. 

17. And as it looketh like unto the mis- 
take, so shall it be remedied and the edict 
shall be withdrawn. 

18. But see ye here, and hearken ye well 
unto my words; Inasmuch as the mistake is 
ours, then shall ye pay for its rightening; for 
those amongst ye who in the year do so 
much business so much shall ye pay. Others 
of ye whose affairs amount to so-and-so shall 
pay also accordingly. Otherwise, things 
shall be as they were aforetimes. 

19. Now let us see to other matters; 
observing at all times, that in nought we 
do shall we interfere with that great law 
which is of the Medes and the Persians, and 
is called Supply and Dem-And. 

20. And it was so; for behold the doings 
of a Govern-Ment are more wonderful than 
the doings of a man with a maid ; which even 
the fool doth know to be utterly beyond 
comprehension. 



CHAPTER XX 

1. Now in those days men did eat of a 
luscious root of the ground; and they did 
call it Pot-ah-Toe. 

2. Therein was much nourishment and 
it was greatly desired what time the fatted 
calf was despatched. Also did it go well with 
the thing called Sos-Age. 

3. But because of the scarcity in the land 
was the supply thereof not great; and what 
supply there was, the same was held back 
for profit by the tillers of the soil.' 

4. The same are they whose cries of dis- 
tress do ever rise unto heaven. For if the 
season shall be lean, then do they say: See 
ye us, miserable of all men. Here have we 
toiled for a season, and behold at the end 
thereof, beyond paying off the thing called 
Mor-Gage and also putting aside one, or 
peradventure it may be two thousand pieces 
of silver, have we nothing. 

5. And if the season shall be a surprising 

94 



Kan-Uk the Kute 95 

fat one, .still doth their cry ascend saying: 
Truly the season hath been an exceeding 
fine one, and wonderful have been the crops; 
but see ye How it hath taken it out of the 
ground. 

6. And because of the leanness of the 
season, and the holding back of those stocks 
which were gathered in, behold the Pot-ah- 
Toe did become costly; so that he who should 
have six of them at the one time, did consider 
whether he would exchange them for one of 
those chariots which do run without steed 
or would retain them, and be envied of his 
fellows. 

7. And because also of this scarcity did 
men turn their hands to the tilling of the soil ; 
yea even those who had aforetime known 
none of it. 

8. For he who, behind his tent did have a 
green spot on the which in times past he 
had been wont to bounce the ball, and to 
smite it what time it did answer back, 

9. Lo he did now plough up that green 
spot, and plant it; and the sound of the 
bouncing ball it was heard no more in the 
land, but instead were there groanings and 
strong words what time the weeds did raise 
their heads. 



96 The Chronicle of 

10. And behold this thing did bring 
about a mighty change in the manner and 
in the conversings of men. 

11. So that he who was called Bro-Ker, 
and did spend his days in contemplation of 
certain figures which did appear upon a tape, 
so that he might the better consider whether 
he should lose the money of him called Kli- 
Ent now, or whether he should do so on 
another day, 

12. This man did no longer say unto his 
friend, what time they journeyed together 
to the market place: How now: Shall I 
not persuade thee to take unto thyself and 
that for thy great good, sundry of those 
writings called See-Pee-Are or even a goodly 
parcel of Bethlehem. 

13. But he did now say instead: I 
beseech thee come over this night and cast 
thine eyes upon mine onions; and verily 
shalt thou weep with delight. 

14. And when the night had come, and 
he who was importuned had looked upon the 
succulent onion and remarked that it was 
good, he did lift up his voice, and say unto 
his friend : 

15. Great indeed are thy onions; but my 
delight is more in the beet. Also do I look 



Kan-Uk the Kute 97 

with favour upon the cabbage what time 
it is green. 

16. But his friend did reply: I too did 
once think me the same; but I counsel thee 
put not thy trust in the thing called cabbage ; 
for at night when it is dark, and there be 
none nigh to see, there cometh out an evil 
creature even the Hook Worm, and behold 
half thy cabbages shall be wiped away. 

17. And then in the morning, when it is 
yet barely day, and when the Hook Worm 
hath had his fill, he doth vanish and that 
without giving thanks ; and after him cometh 
the slug. 

18. And the slug doth work his will, and 
he too getteth him discreetly away. 

19. Then behold later, when the sun is 
well up, cometh thou along. And thou 
shalt look in vain for thy cabbages; for the 
place thereof shall know them no more. 

20. And this thing is not good for man- 
kind ; for behold the words it doth cause him 
to drop are too hot for the young shoots. 



CHAPTER XXI 

1. And behold these are but some of the 
things which did come to pass in the land 
of Kan-a-Da and of Am-er-Eka what time 
the nations did war together. 

2. But to record all that which did occur, 
would be a weariness to the flesh and it would 
fill many scrolls. 

3. Yet would I not fail to make mention 
of the practice which did arise amongst the 
women of making of much gear for the feet 
of they who did fight. 

4. And what time this fever did come 
upon the women, then would they forsake 
their parents, and their companions, and 
their households, and their utensils of the 
Kit-Chen; yea would they forsake also their 
husbands, and the child; even the young 
child with the sticky chin, and the one tooth, 
and the bottle; and would they cleave unto 
the Nit-Ting Bee. 

5. And the footgear which they did 

98 



Chronicle of Kan-Uk the ^Kute 99 

make, it was of value as half a shekel; but 
the bag in which it was to be carried to and 
fro what time it was being spun, that bag 
did cost ten shekels. 

6. And as for the mighty bundles of this 
footgear which were made, lo some of them 
did reach as far as the place of battle; but 
others of them did vanish; and whereunto 
they went, is to this day as a mystery. 

7. Also would I make mention of the law 
which was made, whereby men could no 
longer foregather in the wine tents; and the 
wine it was put away. 

8. And many did say: It is of a truth a 
good thing that wine should be put away, 
and verily in my time, have I ever tried to 
put away my share and that with a good will ; 
but now, Woe is me; for I can do so no more, 
save only when I do have an indisposition 
and then it is but a little drop. 

9. Yea even a minute portion, and what 
is it: for as the poet hath long written: 
One swallow cannot quench a mighty thirst. 

10. Therefore many did have more fre- 
quent indisposition than had been their.wont 
in times past; and were the doctors looked 
upon with favour. 

11. Also would I make mention of how 



loo The Chronicle of 

the cost of all things did go up amazingly; 
and the war it was blamed for strange 
things. 

12. So that those who did supply the 
people with milk, they did say: Behold 
now, as the cows do look abroad what time 
they do chew the cud in the meadow, and 
do see such violent ploughing up and tilling 
of the soil as now is, their souls are sore 
within them as to what shall befall the 
grass; and this worrying doth cause them 
to yield less of the sweet juice. 

13. Therefore the price of it, it is Up. 

14. And they who did sell fuel for the 
flames did say : This season hath Nature be- 
stowed the ice upon us with such a bountiful 
hand, and in such great quantity, th^t there 
is a mighty coldness ; and of the fuel is so much 
needed that the price of it, it also is Up. 

15. But behold also a mystery: for when 
the time did come that men did need to buy 
them the ice which Nature had so plentifully 
yielded, Lo the price of that was Up also. 

16. And because of the lack of cloth 
wherewith to make garments it was ordered 
that the pockets on the garments of men 
which were of the kind called Patch, should 
no longer be permitted. 



Kan-Uk the Kute loi 

17. Yet as to the Patch on the posterior 
parts, it was held lawful. 

18. Also at this time was the demon 
called Pro-Hibi-Shon turned loose in the 
land to the right hand and to the left; and 
did he put his mark upon this, and upon 
that. 

19. Yet strange were the results thereof. 
For as to coal which was not marked Pro- 
Hibit, nobody had it. Yet of Whis-Kee 
which was Taboo everybody had some. 

20. These, and many other strange and 
wonderful things, did come to pass in the 
lands. 

21. But behold now the sun it is in the 
west, and to this inscribing must there be 
put an end; for I Kan-Uk am weary, and 
would have sleep. 

22. Also, at the rising of the sun, shall 
I strike my tent ; and the caravan with which 
I do travel, doth move to a far country. 

23. Perad venture, I may there see things 
even more wonderful than those I have herein 
recorded. 

24. And if so be, verily shall ye hear of 
them. 

25. But if ye hear not again from me, 
keep ye this my Chronicle; and think ever 



102 Chronicle of Kan-Uk the Kute 

of me with a light heaxt, and a smiling 
countenance; even as I do, my brothers, of 
ye. . 

(the end) 



>A Selection from the 
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G. P PUTNAM'S SONS 



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